Writing these words is awkward for me – messy, actually.
I often first process quietly, withdrawing in the struggle and wrestling in my heart of hearts. That’s where I’ve been, actually, steeped in that scuffle.
I’ve wanted to write, but mentally (spiritually? emotionally?), I have been unable.
To be fair, my absence these last few months wasn’t caused merely by the wrestling. Responsibilities at home and work and elsewhere claimed my attention and my time, but most of it comes down to this:
I don’t know how to write what is on my heart.
I have more ideas than I may have ever had. God is speaking to my heart and moving in me, but the words feel stuck and fear is overwhelming me.
No matter what time of day or how I feel, every time I sit down to write, I am nearly paralyzed by doubt and fear. A barrage of accusations and guilt and “not good enough”s hit me with full force.
Inadequacy. Doubt. Comparison.
I literally feel like I’m going crazy – when I sit down to write.
Some of you might respond, encouraging me to read the War of Art (which I haven’t read yet, though it’s on my list) — that this is an in-the-flesh example of the “resistance.”
But Friends, can I tell you? I think it’s more than that!
At the risk of being misunderstood or sounding too big for my britches, God has a call on my life, and the enemy hates it. Satan doesn’t want me to follow God, to be faithful or fulfill God’s calling, and he’s fighting hard to prevent me from doing God’s work.
I don’t know what plan God has for me or for this space. These words, this battle, might just be for one person — one person who needs to read what God has put on my heart.
Even though I don’t know how God’s plan will play out or what His calling for me looks like in detail, I know He’s moving, He’s working, and He’s calling me to be a part! Whether it is for one person or many, I will fight this battle because I want to be faithful to what God has called me to do.
But, Friends, I am struggling to be faithful – fighting through this battle seems unbearable at times, and I can not do it alone.
So I’m coming to you. I need. you.
I need you to pray.
I don’t know what that looks like for you — maybe it’s stopping right now to pray, but can I be so bold as to ask you to add me to your daily prayers? When you meet with God in the morning, or when you whisper prayers when everyone else is asleep, will you remember me before the throne of God?
Though I could create quite a list (*blush*), there are three main areas I so desire your prayers:
My Mind —
I have claimed Isaiah 26:3 more times than I can count:
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in You.” (Isaiah 26:3)
Will you pray that I have a steadfast mind and that God will strengthen me to continue taking every thought captive? Pray that God will give me discernment to recognize and expose the deceit of the enemy — both the subtle and overt lies that disrupt my mind.
My Heart —
“For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chronicles 16:9)
Please pray that God will strengthen my heart and that throughout the journey my heart will remain pure, humble and beat with right motives.
My Voice —
Please pray that I will find who God is calling me to be and speak and write from a place of authenticity.
God has created each one of us uniquely, allowing each of us certain strengths, personalities, experiences, and backgrounds — I want Him to use mine in the way He has planned. But mostly, when I write or speak or teach, I don’t want to speak my own words or ideas, I want to share God’s. I don’t want any of this to be about me. I want it all for Him and for His glory.
I don’t want to persuade people, I want the Holy Spirit to change hearts. I don’t want to be in the spotlight, I want God to be lifted high!
“Not to us, Lord, not to us but to Your name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness.” (Psalm 115:1)
Friends, I don’t know why it is so hard for me to ask for help, but I’m asking for it now.
Will you pray for me?